


'Till Now I Always Got By On My Own

by CaptainAwesome242



Series: I Just Want You To Know Who I Am [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alone, Crew as Family, M/M, Oblivious Spock, Possibly Pre-Slash, Unrequited Love, pining jim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 02:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAwesome242/pseuds/CaptainAwesome242
Summary: I never really cared until I met you





	'Till Now I Always Got By On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Alone by Heart

From early on in life, Jim Kirk has learned how to survive on his own. With his father gone, his mother absent, and his brother run away Jim didn’t have anyone to depend on and so had no choice but to rely on himself.

And this always suited Jim just fine. He never really cared about being alone since he was the only one he could trust not to leave him anyways. People couldn’t betray him if he didn’t let them get close. People couldn’t leave him if they were never truly with him.

Alone was protected. Alone was safe.

Until now.

Now, Jim is captain of over 400 crewmen. People he considers, and who consider him, to be family; not an especially close family but a large network of familiar and reliable faces. Sure there are those he is closer with than others, as is true with any family, but even so Jim still feels alone. Not through choice as it was in his youth, and it certainly never hurt this much before, but that was before he met Spock.

Jim sighs. Oh, Spock.

It’s uncanny how a man who suppresses his emotions can inspire them so passionately in others, Jim ponders, or maybe it’s just him. Either way, the man who swore he’d never get attached is finding it increasingly difficult to keep his eyes and mind off of his Vulcan First Officer.

It would be impossible of course, Jim reasons, to have a relationship with Spock. Aside from the regulations he would be breaking, not that he ever pays those much mind, he just isn't sure how Vulcan relationships work. Well, he knows a Vulcan and a human can live happily together - Spock's own parents were a case in point - but he's not certain that Vulcans participate in male/male relationships. He doesn't know for certain of course, he's never asked, but he's hardly going to approach his First Officer and say "Hey Spock, are there any gay Vulcans? And if so, are you one of them? And if so, will you go out with me?"

Jim sighs at the ridiculous thought and rakes his hands through his hair to try and clear his head. Even if Vulcans have male partnerships, which Jim doubts they do, he knows that Spock isn't interested in him. At least not in that way. He is an industrious and work-driven man who rarely attends social gatherings and never seeks Jim’s company when they are both off duty. In fact, if Jim wasn't his Captain he doubts the Vulcan would give him a second look.

Jim chances a subtle glance over his shoulder only to see the back of Spock's head which, sure enough, is bent over his console, eyes fixed on the screens before him. The captain suppresses a sigh before turning back in his seat to watch the stars glide past on the viewing screen.

He's not sure why he feels so disappointed because of course Spock wouldn't be looking at him, why would he? He's a very diligent and hardworking officer, why on Earth would he waste time looking dreamily at Jim. Do Vulcans do anything dreamily? An image of a doe-eyed Spock with his head resting in his hands staring at Jim from his station comes unbidden to his mind, followed by an equally lovestruck Spock in Jim's quarters, in Jim's bed...

Jim picks up his PADD to scroll through his messages in an attempt to distract himself from the not entirely unwelcome images. A reminder notification appears for the upcoming transmission with Starfleet to update them on the progress of their mission. A report he and Spock are required to give together.

Jim inhales deeply through his nose before rising from his chair, "Mr Sulu, you have the conn, Mr Spock come with me,"

He waits only to hear Sulu's "Aye, sir," and to see that Spock is following him before leading the way from the Bridge.

Jim walks ahead of Spock unable to, after his recent thoughts, look the Vulcan in the face. He fills the tense silence with pointless words, explaining what Spock no doubt already knows about the transmission if only to distract himself from Spock's intoxicating scent. He stumbles over his words as he wonders if the scent intensifies during sex. Clenching his fists and restarting his sentence he feels his whole body tense up as he attempts to focus on the conversation.

So focused is he that he almost walks past the meeting room and stops suddenly, doing a double take as Spock, usually so poised and elegant, almost crashes into him. Spock, on his part, looks almost as stunned as Jim and seems to return to himself in that moment.

Wait, Jim wonders, was Spock.... daydreaming?

"Something on your mind, Spock?" He asks lightly, and is caught off guard when Spock's eyes meet his.

Such raw emotion is in those deep, dark eyes as Jim has never seen before and he finds himself rooted to the spot. No one, human or otherwise, has ever looked at Jim this way and he can feel his own emotions bubbling over because not only is Spock looking at him, he _sees_ him.

But as soon as the moment starts it ends when Spock clears his throat and his face returns to its usual, impassive expression.

"Nothing of consequence, Captain. Shall we continue?"

And while Jim's face betrays very little of his inner turmoil, those seven words are like a knife in his gut, an "I told you so" from the voice of reason in his mind.

Unable to speak Jim simply nods and steps into the room, taking the moment his back is to Spock to compose himself. Of course Spock doesn't see him that way, and he'd been a fool to get his hopes up.


End file.
